Posted by: heartfull | March 31, 2009

Torture 101

I’ve been busy developing new and creative ways to torture the various members of my family.  Read on for your own personal guide and you too may soon carry the title Mom of Torture.

  1. First, buy one of those electric fences that they sell all over the place.  Don’t do it while your dog is young, though.  You must wait until she is 11 or so for this to truly work.  Follow the directions closely the first day and watch as your dog never willingly goes outside again and cowers in the bathroom when inside.  Pat yourself on the back that while this was not in actuality the desired effect, at least you know that you will not be pissing off your neighbors any longer.  Marvel at her apparent bladder of steel.
  2. Insist that your children return to school after Spring Break.
  3. Cook things for dinner.  Things like spaghetti with homemade sauce instead of the jarred stuff (we were out).  Or homemade barbecued meatballs with mashed potatoes.  Get really mean and make (shudder) skillet lasagna.  In fact, make anything other than chicken noodle soup.
  4. Refuse to cancel one child’s plans because the other child wasn’t invited and that isn’t fair!
  5. Come home from work, thus ensuring that the nanny has to leave.  Listen to the cries of despair!  Ohhhh – that one was particularly evil…
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