Posted by: heartfull | June 3, 2008

The trouble with me.

I’ve been feeling a little out of it lately.  I’ve got issues.  Issues with the way I look, the things I say and the way I write.  Do you suspect drama on my part?  Let’s take it one at a time and you can decide.

The Way I Look

Boring.  Boring.  Boring.  Even John agrees.  He told me last week that I’m dressing like an old lady.  He was kinder than that, but that was the gist of it.  Now, I knew there was a problem, but if my husband notices than it must be bad.

Perhaps the fact that I keep trying to buy crap from the clearance section might have something to do with this.  Or maybe, more to the point, it is that I’m shopping the Lands End clearance section.  Why do I do this?  Because I’m shopping for the kids and its just easier to throw something in the basket for me then it is to navigate out and go to another website.  Must.  Stop.

Also?  I’m in a hair rut.  On the one hand I get lots of compliments on my hair from all sorts of people.  On the other hand, I’ve had the same freaking haircut for 6 years.  Maybe more – I can’t remember.  Blah.

Thirdly, my face won’t quit breaking out.  As Starbuck would say, what the frack?  I’m 37 going on 14.

Finally, the weight.  I’m still struggling.  Nuff said.

The Things I Say

Two problems:  I’m boring and I have been gossip-y lately.  I don’t like either of these things very much, but the gossiping is what bothers me most.  I agree with what I have read:  Gossiping is a result of insecurity.

I’m not actually boring, I’m just not hip.  I’m no good at flirting or witty banter.  I’ve been known to say really dumb things.   But I’ve always been this way and I doubt it is going to change and so if I accept that, I should be able to resolve to not gossip in some lame attempt to gain status (unless it is with my very closest friends – because, well, sometimes this stuff in interesting or funny or sad or whatever.)

The Way I Write

You know, I want to be as eloquent as the people in my blogroll.  But I’m just not.  I was actually well aware of this when I started Heartfull.  But I guess I didn’t realize how difficult good writing is.  Humor, flow, organization, concise thoughts.  These things elude me.  But, given my limited interest in doing anything to improve my writing, I guess I’ll just have to get over it and quit hyper-analyzing.  But it just sucks to not be able to say what I want to say in the way I want to say it.  See?


OK, I may be displeased with myself right now, but there was a woman at a party recently who did her part to improve my self image.   I mean, I may be boring but at least I’m not (usually) offensive…

She was the singer in the host’s band.  I work with the host at his day job.  We’ll call the host Bob.  Singer and I were introduced and almost immediately she rubbed me the wrong way.  Annoyingly enough, I ended up sitting at a table with her at dinner where we had to make small talk.

Within the first minute of conversation she let me know that her daughter would be starting the gifted program in first grade.  Then she spends a good portion of the time letting me know just how well she knows the hosts – implying, I suppose that they are really, really great friends.  Honestly, it was begining to sound like she worshipped them.  The last straw, though was when she asked me “So, what do you do for Bob?”  I was so taken aback by the implications of the question (did she imagine he ran the company?  did she think, because I was a woman, I was his secretary?  did she suspect I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning today?) that I stuttered and stammered for a moment before mumbling something about being the boss’s daughter, so I, um, do a lot.  Of stuff.  I immediately regretted the way  I belittled my job, but that wasn’t exactly her fault.  She, though, went in for the kill at this point and commented “Oh…  Well that is certainly job security.”  To which I faked a chuckle and upped the dislike feeling to total disdain.

At this point, Singer’s “gifted” daughter came over, whining about something.  I heard Singer telling her to just go play with the other kids as I made an escape.  Later, as we were driving  home from the party, I asked the girls if they liked playing with the other kids.  They said yes, except not that one girl because she was a tattle-tale, bossy and no fun.

I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.



  1. LOOKS:

    I feel you. When I was packing to go on vacation I realized I haven’t bought myself anything nice to wear in about 4 years. And my hair is driving me crazy and if I don’t lose some weight soon i may have to cut off my leg just so the scale shows a change. Just sayin.

    Things I say:

    Yeah. Especially since I became a SAHM I have really felt boring. i never have anything to talk about and when I do, I am so out of practice taling to adults that feel as if i am a fool.


    Ditto again. I get depressed when I think about it sometimes. I wish I could write something that was witty and amusing and captivating and beautiful. Like so many other people do. Oh, well. Life goes on….

    Hope you feel better soon. Sounds like you need a day at the beauty salon and some shopping for yourself. Even clearnace racks at a different store might help.

  2. […] something about it So, you can’t write a post like this and then not take action, […]

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